Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
