Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
