Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
