Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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