I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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