Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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