All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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