Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.