take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.