Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
