i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
