wake up i wanna do it froggy style
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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