He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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