I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
