You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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