I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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