Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
