I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Green mimosas i think yes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
