1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
