Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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