dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
