I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
