Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
