so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
