I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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