I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
