she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
