I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
