this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
