I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
