he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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