I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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