he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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