just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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