I met the friendliest cop last night
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
