it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
