There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
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Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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