You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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