this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
