sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
