woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
