The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
