Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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