I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
