When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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