I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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