I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
