i wish my penis had a tongue
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
