atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
As shirtless as possible
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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