Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
