I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
