Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
