Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
