Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
