What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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