stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
