allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
