Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
