Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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